Friendship as Resistance

Strength in Community

There is no overstating the value and power of relationships.

Especially relationships that evolve slowly and organically. Relationships that emerge slowly are relationships that offer the chance to develop a durable trust. Many of us may grant trust up front when we encounter new neighbors or new coworkers, but this trust is tentative and contingent. Say the wrong thing in a work meeting within the first week, and we probably don’t have a future friendship.

I’m sorry. Sometimes you have to be cutthroat. The world is nonsense enough that I can’t let in any more nonsense in my circle.

But some of these contingent friendships hold potential and that moves us from contingent to shared-interest.

The trust of a new shared-interest friendship arises from favorite albums, shared sports teams, or a preferred coffee brand for the work break room. These relationships are as deep as the moment and at the end of summer on the cul-de-sac or the end of the football season, or the realization that after a few deep cuts on your favorite band’s discography, there aren’t many conversation topics that arise naturally, these friendships dissolve. You both learn that this friendship is shared-interest only.

Actually, I may redact that final assertion. I’d say deep cuts on the discography signal the potential for a deeper friendship.

But many of them do dissolve. You can close the garage door to your neighbors or start taking lunch at your desk in the office. The dissolution of these friendships or their temporary status isn’t necessarily bad. The cool thing about a shared-interest friendship is you have somebody for that concert your spouse doesn't want to go to, or you’ve got somebody to take a half day with on a random Friday and get in some trouble.

But it is true that not too many of these contingent or shared-interest friendships survive long enough to develop an authentic texting friendship. The text friendship is a pretty novel friendship in terms of digital mode versus analog, but these friendships are also like my childhood next-door best friend. We just always seemed to be around each other. Same with that top couple of people you’re always texting.

The friends you text are trusted friends. You trust these people with a paper trail. You trust these people to know you well enough to sense your tone. You trust these people to ghost you for ten days, send you 18 memes on Instagram, and hang out with a mutual friend that neither of them told you about before texting them back and picking up literally in the same spot in the conversation when you left. That’s a text friendship.

Most text friendships require an IRL component, at least sometimes, but I am also mindful of my own accessibility considerations and several of my friends who live in other cities, so I don’t want to restrict a close friendship to requiring an IRL component.

To Uno Reverse card myself, this next part does turn on the notion of in-person connection.

I want to be candid that I do harbor a fair amount of concern for the years ahead. It is difficult for me to hear the words of President-elect Trump, or Pete Hegseth, or Stephen Miller, or Elon Musk, or Tom Homan the “Border Czar,” and not be concerned that we face, at best, a disruption to our lives, and at worst, a security or surveillance state that threatens political violence and suppression of messaging that is critical of the government.

I’ve considered these scenarios, and I’ve considered the health and safety of my family and my friends. Where I’ve landed is that I am asking myself how I may graduate my contingent and shared-interest friendships into friendships with a durable trust. Deep cut discography friendships; text friendships; I’ll watch your kids while you run to the store friendships; I got your back in this world friendships. Friendships that are mutual aid friendships. Friendships that cannot be split apart by government action.

Maybe this all sounds too serious, and a cardinal sin, so far as I’m concerned, is taking myself too seriously. But I think it’s a good time to lean into your friendships and be sure you and your people are connected.

LIke I said, there is no overstating the value and power of relationships. We can find strength in community.

Postscript: I said texting friendships, not calling. That’s only for real serious shit.